When Dreams Die
by Blackjack Gabbiani
Summary: Yukio Oikawa reflects on his fallen best friend Hiroki Hida, and a promise they made years ago


*my fourth Digimon fanfic. This guy is always ignored, but I like him. He's neat, and very interesting. As always, cammycommando@yahoo.com*  
  
  
When Dreams Die  
by Blackjack Gabbiani  
  
  
"Why do people cling to life when they know they can't live forever?"  
--Final Fantasy VI  
  
  
You promised me, Hiroki. You told me we'd go to the Digital World together.  
Hiroki is dead. He died a few hours ago, shot in the chest. I managed to carry him out of the line of fire, behind our squad car. He made me promise to tell his son about the Digital World, but I don't know if I can. It was always ours, Hiroki, and I don't think I can tell anyone else. It was our secret and I believe it should remain so.  
I don't know how the confrontation turned out. I am a coward, and I ran away. I couldn't take it. Seeing you, the only person who ever cared for me, die...it's more than I can take. I've always been weak; you alone made me strong. And now you're gone and I have nothing left.  
I have my finger pointed to my head as if it were a gun. What would it feel like? Would I feel anything? If it were real, would I really do it? I honestly do not know. Hiroki, you were my guiding light, and now I am in darkness.  
You always had to be the hero; always the one to save the day. Even when we were children, you took it upon yourself to protect those who could not protect themselves. I seem to recall your father warning you not to continue. He was worried about you, and it turns out he was right after all.  
I will say your goodbyes for you, my dear friend. Your father, your wife, and your son will all miss you, but none nearly as much as I. You were my heart and my soul. There is nothing left for me.  
I cast off my overcoat and lean against the wall, my gaze resting on a picture of the two of us. We were fourteen years old then, and so full of joy, having just completed a snow scuplture of a Frigimon, one of the many creatures that populates the other world. Would we have done things differently back then, had we known how it would all end?  
That question posesses my mind. Just how would our lives have been different? What if we had never met? Had you not befriended me, I would surely be dead. But I would gladly give my life to restore yours, there is no question about it. If we had never met, you would have had a partner as brave as you, not a coward like me. And he would have saved your life. You would be at home right now, with your family.  
I tell myself that what happened tonight was not my fault, but I can't seem to believe it. Your old friends abandoned you when you admitted your friendship with me. No one but you would dare come near me. I was the freak, the outcast, and with you gone, I shall be again. A few months before we met, I had tried to kill myself. My parents did not know, or they did not care. Once you were a part of my life, I had something to live for. But yet again, I am alone as I was then.  
Even with you, I was cast aside, but at least I was no longer lonely. But I was so selfish. People were leaving you, and it was all my fault. I should just do the honorable thing and end my existance. But something is stopping me, Hiroki. Is it your spirit? Or perhaps I have an unfulfilled purpose on this earth. Should I keep going, even though I will be alone?  
I think...that would be best. I will never again reach out to anyone, because it will end like this. I have learned my lesson, Hiroki, a lesson written in blood. Love only leads to heartache.  
Yes, Hiroki, I love you. I always have, even when you proclaimed your love for another. But being the coward I am, I kept my feelings to myself. Even when faced with your death, I could not tell you.  
But those feelings are useless now. I must have a heart of ice to survive without you, even if that means leaving all joy behind. I have always been called a monster, now I may become one. But if that is how it is meant to be, then I shall not do anything to stop it. If this truly is where my life leads, then so be it.  
Even the little things remind me of you, Hiroki. A spider crawls through the shafts of moonlight on the ceiling, reminding me of your grace and strength. The shadow falls upon a book on the pyramids, the symbol of eternity. We were supposed to last forever, Hiroki, long after the pyramids crumbled to dust. Why didn't we, Hiroki?  
Truly, the devil is in the details. Is there nothing that will not bring your memory to mind? You were my strength, my heart, my spirit; indeed, my everything. I was incomplete without you, as I am now.  
None of the other officers seemed to notice when I ran off. But more likely, they did not care. I would have given anything to take that shot for you, Hiroki. You would have been sad, but recovered. You have other people in your life, people who need you. No one needs me. You have a home, a beautiful family; and what do I have? A two-room apartment and spiders. And the memories of our youth together. That is my only posession of value. There is no one who cares for me now that you are gone.  
I used to think that, without you, I would wither and die. Perhaps I have, for I feel dead inside. Yet I have a heartbeat, and I breathe. Maybe I am the living corpse people said I looked like. The innumerable childhood taunts may have been right, for I really am dead, aren't I, Hiroki? I died with you, slumped against the side of the car. But I left nothing behind. Our dreams died, Hiroki. I cannot tell your son about the Digital World, for it was ours.  
You promised me, Hiroki. You promised me our dreams would come true. Why didn't they? 


End file.
